Words I Must Write

As I gaze at the pacifier Tristan steadly sucks on, I cannot stop thinking, will it drop out of his pursed lips soon. I remember that Chris told me that I cannot get up until it drops, or he stops sucking on it, which means that he is asleep enough to get up out of the rocking chair (ever so slowly he says) and pace a minute or two. Moving too quickly would startle our strong willed baby boy, and we DO NOT DARE. So, back to where I was, oh yeah, staring, staring at a paci, the miracle that paci is. I am rocking back and forth, back and forth, and my thoughts drift off...in the corner of my eye there is his laundry folded and sorted on his window seat, I need to put that away, of course I've been saying that for a week, why is it not done, oh yeah, THERES BARELY ENOUGH TIME TO GET IT WASHED, thank heavens it is washed. Still, I am a neat freak and it is seriously bothering me now, yes, I will get it done tomorrow when my hubby is home to help me. Quickly my thoughts turn to remembering how much time I USED to have. Boy oh boy were people right, they told me when I was prego to enjoy my time, I did, in a way, but now I realize all the time I REALLY had, and I am disapointed in myself as I recall having honestly wasted SO MUCH TIME. Doing what? I don't even remember, watching tv alot, which is what I had to do alot being on bedrest, but I also wish I had worked on photo books of our wedding, honestly...it is still not complete, 2 years married and no photo book, what is wrong with me. Enough, moving on! Oh yeah, as my eyes move across the room a little I find myself looking at the mold of my prego belly (belly cast) that my hubby did of me, wow, look at that belly! Then I began remembering my belly grow and grow, and then I think about how I barely recognize myself. I mean, I know who I am (I think), but I barely recognize this body, this face. I am a little sad. Then I am angry, not terribly angry, just stating reality, reality that no one I know voiced some of the frustrations I experience. Maybe they never felt it, but I did, I do. I am so in love and blessed to have this beautiful baby boy. He is my miracle, I love him dearly, but sometimes, I must admit that I am striken with guilt for having such little patience, for becoming so helpless, or well, feeling helpless. I think to myself...I need to write a book about Parenthood, A View From Down On My Knees. I would name it this because as a parent, you are ALWAYS on your knees, at least I am. I am on my knees praying, on my knees playing and on my knees cleaning...but on my knees am I. Mostly praying though. I pray for patience today, I am needing it ever so much today. I cannot say why exactly, I just need it. Maybe because today getting Tristan to nap is harder than usual. Maybe because my husband won't answer my call or call me back, or maybe becuase everytime I sit down to do something for myself, I am interupted. Now please do not think for one second that I am not VERY grateful of my baby boy. I am extremely blessed and I love him more than life itself, but I am stating what is true. I am just really wondering why I am the only one (it seems) to feel the way I do.