First Time for Formula ....and the tears that went along with it

Today I had been having issues getting a let down while I nursed Tristan and felt like tonight would be the same...and I was right. I had done research online for this problem and found a few suggestions and had been trying them, some I had already tried before. I have been experiencing this problem for the past week, and it has really been upseting me, making things worse, I'm sure...because stress only makes this issue worse. I tried everything tongiht and asked Chris to help by rubbing my feet (he wouldn't) and this really pissed me off. I cannot even say how upset it makes me that he wouldn't help me. Anyways, I tried and tried and nothing worked, to makes matters worse, Tristan wanted to nurse so bad, and it broke my heart and I coudn't feed him the way he wanted. I saw milk and even saw milk when I pumped, but I just felt like if I wasn't getting a let down, then he wasn't getting the milk he needs. I had no other choice but to feed him formula. I know that these days it is healthy and good for babies, it's just that Tristan has never ever had it...he has only had breastmilk. I want to breastfeed him until he is 1 year. I am hoping I will still be able to do this. I pray all the time that I will. I don't understand why I wouldn't get a let down. It broke my heart to have to give him formula. I gave him Enfamil lipil (Pharmacy recomended). 6 ounces, warm. I cried when I made it, I cried when I fed it to him, and I cried afterwards. I am so upset. When I was feeding him, and I would put the bottle down and try to burp him, he would try to nurse and I would start crying more, I felt sooooo horrible, he wanted me and I couldn't feed him....it just tore me to pieces! I continued feeding him and held him and kissed his forehead and told him I loved him. I saw a tear fall from his eye, why was this? I don't know...
He ate almost the entire bottle, but he fell alseep. Sound alseep. I couldn't believe it. I put the bottle down on my nightstand. I stared at him, wondering if he was going to awaken when I got up to walk to his room. Holding him closely, I kissed him on the cheek and nothing, not a sound, he was still alseep, I slowly made my way to his room and gently laid him in his crib. I covered him with his blanky and just stared....I still couldn't believe it....he was alseep and I did nothing really to get him to sleep. No rocking, no music, no special sounds, no patting, no sushing...nothing....nothing but feeding him a warm bottle of milk, well, formula.

Now I am laying in bed. I tried to come back to bed after putting him in his crib and go to sleep, but I found myself listening to his music box, staring at the image that it projects on the celing and just wondering what happened...how did he just fall alseep, and why, oh why did I have to use formula, why oh why couldn't I get a let down. So upset still. Happy that my baby is full and alseep and hoping that it doesn't upset his tummy. I know nothing of formula, but hear that somethimes it can upset thier tummy's when they are exclusive bf babies. I really hope he will be ok tomorrrow. I really hope I get a let down again tomorrow morning and everytime I nurse. I breaks my heart when I think I will have to give him formula again becuase I don't get a let down.

Chris and I are fighting tonight, no kiss goodnight tonight, he went to sleep and left me in the kitchen with the bottl of formula and Tristan. Oh and tears running down from my eyes. I am angry at him tonight, and very hurt. He told me that "it wasn't supose to be like this". I asked for him to explain and he said, in so many words, that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and that he wasn't supose to be doing all the things he was doing, I was supose to be doing it. I became very hurt and told him to go to bed. He did, without any hesitation. I feel empty, hurt, lost, upset.

Just hoping that I can get a let down tomorrow and start feeling better soon. Also hoping I can fall alseep soon, when I am this upset, it is hard to sleep.